Dear Princess Ruto
Dear Princess Ruto,
Wow...this is a little awkward. I never thought that I would have to do something like this. Sometimes, life doesn't prepare you for the moments that will truly test your resolve. As you know, I am currently on my way to the Temple of Time with the three spiritual stones, including the one you just gave me. Before you read this, I need you to know something. I really appreciate you giving me Zora's Sapphire. If I am to be able to stop Ganondorf from doing...whatever it is he's planning on doing, I am going to need this. I realize that it is a family heirloom and I promise that, if I can, I will return it as soon as possible. What needs to be addressed is the terms I apparently agreed to when you gave me the stone.
In case this wasn't clear during our incredibly long journey through your God's intestines, I can't talk. I'm not quite sure why, no one has ever been able to give me an answer and the "doctors" from my village were always more concerned about why I hadn't been visited by a fairy yet. But I will tell you one thing; if I could talk, I would have had a lot to say. First of all, who do you think you are? I understand that you are a princess but, you were the one who decided that a good place to play would be in the belly of a giant beast. I don't care that it wasn't normally filled with monsters. Playing in his belly is a risky endeavor, at best, and you are lucky that you never ended up as Lord Jabu Jabu's lunch while you were gallivanting around in his gullet. Not to mention, the way you got word to the outside that you were stuck was with a message in a bottle? How did you get the bottle out? I mean, don't get me wrong, I appreciate the bottle. Do you know how handy bottles come in on my journey? Really handy. I can keep all sorts of junk in there. But, if you got a bottle out, how could you not get yourself out? Were you just waiting for someone to come and do the work for you?
Which brings me to my next question: What is with the carrying? If you are able to go inside Jabu Jabu's belly to play everyday, clearly you are capable of walking on your own two feet. Why, in the name of the Great Deku Tree, did you make me carry you from place to place in there? You knew your way around, as you had admitted to frequenting that hellhole, yet you never once stopped to tell me where I should be going. Decent directions would have been the least you could do to get us out of there. Although, after meeting your father, I'm not exactly surprised that you were unwilling to move in there. Have you seen how long it takes him to move his seat about five feet down the bench? He never would have been able to come get you. In fact, your first order of business when you get out of here should be to get him to a doctor because it appears that he has some serious hip issues. Also, when I first met you, and anytime I had to leave you to go fight some freakish gut beast in order to move forward, you were always a real pain in the ass. I never had parents, but where I'm from we don't shit all over the people who spent their time helping us. If you want people to take you seriously in the future, maybe you could start with some common level of respect. Not everyone in Hyrule lives to serve you.
Lastly, we need to talk about the marriage. While I appreciate the gift of Zora's Sapphire, I am in no way able to promise marrying you. Lady...I'm 10. I can barely lift my sword let alone carry the overwhelming committment of marriage. If the fact that you are trying to ransom someone into marrying you is an indicator to your personality as a whole, I am not sure that you are someone I would like to be with. Also, I am kind of involved with another princess and, although I can never get a clear picture on the nature of our relationship, I feel that I wouldn't be giving myself the necessary time to explore that relationship if I committed to marrying you. Listen, you are a good person with a good heart. As you get older, I'm sure you will find someone who you can spend the rest of your life with. I personally know a couple of lonely ranchers who would very much love the company.
P.S. - Tell that guy who runs the diving game that he should really think about the liability issues if someone cracks their head on those rocks.